


Story of My Life

by Reira



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Journal, Long-Term Relationship(s), Real Life, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-14 00:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reira/pseuds/Reira
Summary: She’s mid 20’s, works as a secretary 4 days a week and does art sometimes. Her relationship with is pretty ambiguous. As far as official titles go. She doesn’t even know what they are. All she knows is she loves Erwin and is holding on until hopefully, one day he’ll finally ask her to be his girlfriend.Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a serious work of literature. I know there will by typos and inaccuracies, but this is literally just my life and what happens in it. It is not meant to have a definite story as I cannot see my future.





	1. Do You Need Me Like I Need You?

**Author's Note:**

> This one just started out as letters I wrote out to Erwin, but never sent. Just expressing my feelings and where we are. I’ve removed those two unsent letters. If you’d like to read them, I can post them again if you let me know you want to read them. Maybe I'll add a chapter later of how we met and why we are where we are.

1/21/18 Sunday 

Erwin seems to be a bit stressed the past couple weeks. He does improv, and kept getting the date mixed up. So he asked for the wrong day off from work, and on top of that one of his team members isn't consistent and decided to go traveling for their first performance. 

His mom's birthday is this weekend as well, and for some reason his health insurance was cancelled due to a policy change I think. He has to get some stuff done for the show tomorrow, and I thought he just wanted to get it done without me so he wouldn't be stressed about it. But instead he wants me to come along with him so that he won't be stressed. 

I'm almost crying because that's all I want. I want to be his comfort when he can't weather the stress of life on his own. I want to be the person he goes to when he just needs someone to lean on. These were the texts: 

Me: Do you want any help? 

E: Surre

Me: lol you can say no.   
That's ok. 

E: I need to get it done and I   
don't want to stress about it 

Me: okie so it'll be better if you  
get it done on your own? 

E: I'd appreciate help. 

 

And that's when my heart melted. I love him so much, I just want him to need me as much as I need him.


	2. Unsent Letter #3: ⚖️

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3/3 Unsent Letters. Next chapter will be more interesting. Well, maybe.

1/4/18 Thursday 

Why am I so scared? I’m terrified to tell you I love you, because I’m scared to lose you. I’m too scared to even ask again what we’re doing because I’m scared I’ll hear the same words I’ve heard before. I’m scared things will change. All I need for this feeling to leave is to feel your arms around me. 

I need to feel close to you, so tightly wrapped in you that it’s like we were were never meant to be apart. The other morning I had to smother your face with kisses to wake you just so I could get up for work. Those are the kind of cuddles I need right now... 

Do you need me like I need you? You’re the air I breathe, and the blood in my veins. I know you don’t realize how much every little thing you do can make me either incredibly happy or depressed. 

I’m not yours, and you’re not mine. So every little thing weighs in on this scale in my mind measuring if things are going well, or if things are bad. Even though the things that go on the bad side are tiny, they weigh heavily on my heart. Each one is a ball of lead compared to the feathery fluff on the other side. 

I want to be yours... I want to be yours so much that it’s the main focus of my life and nothing else matters. But I need you to ask. I need you to ask me to be yours because I’m too scared to ask you myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else ever feel this way?


	3. Insecurities

1/25 Thursday

Erwin felt restless last night. We ate mapo tofu and he had a couple Excedrin for a headache, but he said he thinks he got enough sleep. 

I was feeling moody though, too. So maybe that contributed to him feeling anxious and restless. 

I feel bad about it, because I don’t want to be a reason he has anxiety. I want to be the person he feels better with. It’s just that anytime he doesn’t have sex with me I feel like maybe he doesn’t want me or he’s bored of me, and I get really insecure and depressed because I know I’m not really his. 

I’m sleeping alone tonight and probably tomorrow night because I had work today and I have to work tomorrow and Saturday too. I hate sleeping alone. I hate being alone. I just want to be able to say I love you to him without either of us hurting because of it.


	4. Life is a Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers a few days because I tend to not journal while I'm at his house. Also, some sexy times are happening, also lady issues. ugh.

1/28 Sunday 

Yesterday. Let’s first talk about that. It wasn’t amazing. But it wasn’t the worst day ever. Work was slow and we had already finished most of the stuff we needed to do the day before. 

It was just Annie, Armin, and I, but Annie was getting annoyed with me because I wasn’t working fast enough. Which, I had updated most of the routes, I typed all the routes for the next day, and i had started calling and was picking up every phone call. I’m not even sure what she was really doing besides yellow cards which aren’t difficult anyways since the next several days are down days. 

She was annoyed that I wasn’t working fast enough for her, but I had already done a bit, and I wasn’t worried about time anyways since we had so little to do. We ended up finishing everything at 10:30 and the office didn’t close until 12:30. So we sat there for two hours doing nothing, so why she was being a bitch I don’t really understand. 

Later I knew I would be going over to Erwin’s house, since I didn’t have work today. But he wasn’t off until 10 pm and he went to catch the end of the improv show. 

During the time i was waiting I found out my brother won a latte art competition and no one had through to tell me or invite me. So I was a little annoyed at that. But it’s whatever. 

So I went over to Erwin’s house, talked to my brother and sister on the way. But when I got there he seemed preoccupied. 

Recently he’s felt kind of distant, and that has affected me. Since we’re not officially together, any sort of distance worries me. 

This morning he asked me what was wrong. I told him he’s just felt distant recently, and he said, “but I’m right here” I just said “I know” but I’m sure he knows that’s not what I meant. So I told him, “I just get really insecure easily... and then I get scared that I’m gonna loose it”. “It” as in him and what we have. He just hugged me and said, “it’s ok.” Which I’m not sure what that really means. Like, it’s ok to feel that way? Or it’s ok, that’s not gonna happen? Idk. 

Then he was having an improv practice but only one guy showed up, Moblit. So we ended up just hanging out. He first asked if I was his sister. Lol that was funny since were so different. Erwin is this big, 6”4’ blonde German man and I’m a 5”1’ Asian girl. And he was like, “oh it just looks like you live together.” Which we basically do. I’m at his house like 4-5 days of the week. 

We played a board game then went to lunch. At lunch Moblit asked us if we’re dating. I didn’t know what to say, I just kind of looked at Erwin then looked away, and he said, “um... yeah.” And i just said, “I don’t know how to answer that.” But Erwin said yes, so that’s a good thing. 

I might ask him about it later. But I’m home now. I know Erwin has already planned for me going back though this week because he asked me if I was ready to play board games with Levi this week. I just said, “I wanna be drunk when I play board games with Levi”. Lol. 

Levi just has this abrasive personality and is always saying and making offensive and outlandish dirty jokes. He’s definitely someone not everyone gets along with. So that’ll be fun. 

Anyways ima go cuddle my valentine panda Erwin got me and watch some game theory. Maybe chat a bit too. Bye 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have any thoughts?


	5. I Like the Way You Handle Your Meat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehe.

Saturday, 2/3

Heya. So Friday I went to work and everyone and their mother was angry. Lol. Actually that’s not true I had several really nice customers but also several difficult ones. I feel like I answered a shit ton of calls though and that’s annoying. 

But after work I went home, napped for a little then went to Erwin’s house. I helped him marinate some ribs. At one point he was rubbing it in and I was like, "I like the way you handle your meat," and then I was like, "You like my awkward flirting skills?" He just said, "They could be more awkward." 

Then we played Gunslingers. That new game we got that has really cool art and the design is pretty cool too. I think it’ll be more fun to play with other people though. It has an old west kind of theme, but there’s different creatures and spells and stuff, but once you start playing it feels very western. It’s really cool. I won the first game. 

After that we just kinda cuddled then went to sleep. 

Today I woke up with a migraine. And I’m out of excedrin so that sucks. It’s almost 10pm now and I still have a headache. Anyways. 

Around 11 Erwin put the ribs in the oven to cook for a couple hours. But because I had a headache we just kinda lounged around in bed. 

I was rubbing his dick while we were just laying in bed for a couple hours- which he mentioned while we played a couple more games of Gunslingers. 

Erwin won both those games. Then he put on HarmonQuest and we lounged some more then I gave him a blowjob. 

Then he went and took a shower while I napped some more because my head just felt awful. After he showered I heard him in the kitchen and the ribs smelled really good too so I wandered into the kitchen. 

My head was still hurting but fooood. The ribs were pretty good I was impressed and he cooked some broccoli too with some salt and seasonings and some garlic. It was really good actually. Like I said, I was impressed. 

Then afterwards I washed the dishes and swept the floor then Erwin mopped the floor and I helped his mom take down the tree ornaments. 

But doing that made my headache worse and I even got dizzy at one point so I had to sit down and rest for 20 ish minutes until Erwin had to go to work at 4 so I left the same time. 

On the way home I pumped air into my tire because it was flat, got gas and a couple Arizona’s from the gas station and some Jolibee for dinner then went home. Ate some foods then took a nap. 

My head doesn’t feel as bad as it did earlier so that’s good. I made a couple more decks with the magic cards I got from the draft earlier this week. And I’ve been watching more HarmonQuest. 

Texted Erwin he said he’s feeling a bit sore and worn out because work has been really busy the past couple days. I told him he should rest as much as he can before his shift tomorrow since it’s Super Bowl Sunday. He was planning on going to the improv show tonight after work but I hope he rests. And for some reason I get a little nervous when he goes even though he’s been going for forever. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t like other girls looking at him and you kinda just can’t help looking at him when he’s there. He just has this kinda presence that just demands attention and you can’t help but look at him. But maybe that’s just how I feel. I do like looking at him. Lol last night when he was getting undressed for bed he noticed me ogling and acted all embarrassed. 

Ahh... lol anyways that’s all I got for now. Idk what I’m doing tomorrow. It’s Sunday. I’ll need to get food. And I wonder if I can get an oil change. Anyways ttyl bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all I got for now. I just kinda posted everything I have up till this point. I don't know how often I'll update, but hopefully its not too infrequent.


	6. Too many Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized I accidentally missed posting this entire segment. Sorry to anyone who has read passed this already.

Thursday, February 1

I have to start from Monday... let’s see... I got three free meals on Monday, it was great! First I got to work and the managers and a couple of the office girls are in Cabo this week for company trip. So as thank you for covering the office, the manager sent us a $50 chipotle gift card. So we all got free chipotle. 

Then when I got home, I paid my rent (now I have no moneys) and my landlady gave me some beef stew and Mexican rice. So that was nice. Then right after, Erwin texted me and asked me if I wanted to go over right now and go jacuzzi. So I ate my foods quickly then went over.

After, we went to dinner with his dad and we tried this poke place and for some reason I was a fool and got the only thing that wasn’t fish. They have poke burritos (they’re wrapped in rice and seaweed), but i got a bulgogi beef one. And it was ok but kinda too sweet. Then we dropped his dad back off at his house and we went back to Erwin’s. Oh... i think we went to the store first then we got back. 

We showered, then i know we had sex because it was pretty good. He did that leg lifting thing so he could go extra deep and oooh... we came at the same time I kinda love it when that happens. I was feeling it the next day.

I don’t remember what happened after that. I’m sure he put something on the tv and we cuddled and went to sleep.

Then on Tuesday, we woke up and Levi was already texting Erwin. But it was already like 10ish when we woke up. We made some tacos for lunch and that was good then we... I don’t even know what we did we were talking about what to do for a while. We ended up back In his room just talking about it. Sometime after lunch i realized i started my period. 

I was getting sleepy from just laying around he asked me what time he should tell Levi to come over and I was like, 3? He kept asking what should we do, and to get up and grab a board game or something. Then I ended up giving him a blowjob instead. 

Then we started playing dexicon. But we didn’t finish the game because... wait, Erwin’s mom actually had a dentist appointment and we had to cut the game short.

So I got ready while Erwin was gone, then when he got back, Ouro was there, so we played a couple rounds of bang dice. Then when Levi got there we played another game he had with cops and bad cops. 

Then we went to the magic draft that night and it was my first one but I built a pretty good deck. Erwin said he liked mine better than his. Which made me happy since it was my first time drafting. But the first round was really close but I lost, then the second round I didn’t use one of my cards correctly. I would have won, but I didn’t, then the second game was a draw and the third person wasn’t there. So I got a pack for that.

Erwin saw pack for a new card game called Lightseekers, but apparently it wasn’t selling well, so Jean I think is his name? One of the guys that works at the board game shop said if he takes Lightseekers packs he’ll give Erwin 4 instead of one. Lol then Erwin saw a starter pack and he asked how much it was and Jean said $20 and then was like, “will you take it for $15” and Erwin was like, “yes.” So he got that and an extra pack. 

Then we went back. Oh and Levi drove which was a bad idea. Me and Erwin played a few more rounds of magic then went to bed. 

Wednesday we woke up. I was hungry, gave Erwin a blowjob instead. Then we hung out for a bit. And i was gonna ask him about what he had said to Moblit when he asked if we were dating and Erwin said yes. He hasn’t felt as distant as he had, though. So that’s good. I feel a lot closer to him now for some reason. Even though I’m sleeping at home alone tonight, I don’t feel lonely. Anyways, I was thinking about asking him, but i got scared and then i got sad and i started crying a little and Erwin noticed, and i started crying more. Lol. He asked me why, and i just said, “i just have too many feelings and they need to go away.” He didn’t say anything, just held me and kissed me until i stopped crying. Then i kissed him, quickly said, “i love you.” Then went to the bathroom. 

Then we cooked breakfast with the leftover taco meat. I scrambled it with some eggs. Erwin had them in taco form, and I put them on some toast. 

Erwin showed me this one show where these people play a tabletop rpg and have a different guest on the show every week. It’s pretty funny I like it. And I’ve been wanting to play dungeons and dragons. So he figured I’d like it. 

Then we played Lightseekers, and it wasn’t as complicated as Jean said it was, and I liked it. And there’s an app too and you can save your cards on it. Which is cool. 

Then Erwin’s mom started asking us stuff and to do stuff like taking down the tree, but we had planned to go to shuffle and cut. 

He had told me he was feeling kind of anxious so he just wanted to get out of the house. I went to grab some stuff and use the bathroom before we left and something happened. Erwin’s mom was saying something like she didn’t want to starve to death, but he had left her some food that we ate, and there was food in the fridge, and Erwin had already offered to get her anything. So we ended up just leaving and Erwin was visibly upset about it. 

I felt bad, like he’s doing what he can to take care of her. So I just tried to comfort him and just get his mind off it. 

He said it was gonna take about an hour to get to the board game shop. But I realized that I was out of tampons before we left so I asked if we could stop by the store on the way. And he asked me if I was hungry already and I said, “no I just started my period. I thought i was gonna start today, but I started yesterday, and I didn’t pack enough tampons.” 

So we went to the store and I bought snacks for the road and some teas. Lol When I got my tampons though, Erwin was like, “I knew something was up after the second blowjob.” Lol he was just like, “I mean, you’re not opposed to it, but usually it’s not enough for you.” And I was just like, “it’s blowjob week!” Lol then we drove to the shop, and our moods improved, we listened to music and ate our snacks and tea. 

We got there, looked around a bit, Erwin talked to the shop employees, and we went to the room where you can play the board games and we were deciding on one when some other guy that was there asked if we wanted to play roll for the galaxy. Erwin said he heard it was good, and I’ve never played it but I said sure. So we played with him for a bit, and it was good once we got the hang of it. There was like a 7 Point difference between all of us. I lost of course, but not by too much. Lol. 

During the game though I had noticed Erwin’s face was pretty red and I asked him if he was ok. And his face was kinda warm. He said he was feeling kinda dizzy. We bought the expansion for bang dice and another game called Grimslingers. I’m really excited for it cuz it looks super cool. The art is gorgeous. So hopefully we get to play that soon.

I drove the way back since Erwin wasn’t feeling well. I had a constant headache the whole day, but I wasn’t dizzy so that was ok. We stopped for wings, then went back to his house, and things were better with his mom so that was good. We had both planned to drink and play board games but that didn’t end up happening cuz Monday night we jacuzzied. Tuesday we did the draft, and Wednesday we both didn’t feel well, and I had to work today. So we looked at the games we bought then put them away and watched a couple more episodes of the show we watched earlier, cuddled and went to sleep. 

Today I went to work and it was just me, Annie, and Armin. I found out the guys had put the old couch up in the loft area and Nile got an Atari flashback to put up there too. So that’s cool. I got home, took an extra long nap. I fell asleep probably around 6 and didn’t wake up till 10. Normally I only sleep for 2 or three hours, but today it was 4. So I was texting Erwin a bit. He just went to try to sleep though because he said his head still feels weird. I hope it’s gone by tomorrow. And that’s pretty much it. Well I’m probably gonna browse the inter webs for a bit then head off to sleep. Goodnight!


	7. Valentines Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of my first Valentine’s Day.

2/15/18 Thursday 

Yikes. Haven’t written in a while, I didn’t realize it had been quite that long. 

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I was kinda depressed about the whole situation though, how we’re dating but not together and all that. And he didn’t get me flowers or anything. So I’ve still never gotten flowers. But he did get me that Valentine’s Day panda plushie a few weeks ago so I guess that counts? But Erwin’s mom asked me if he had gotten me anything and I was like, “um... no I was just gonna make dinner.” Lol I tried not to seem to disappointed about it. It’s not like he’s obligated to or anything since he isn’t my boyfriend but that’s the part that made me sad. But it ended up getting better. And I felt a lot closer to him emotionally for some reason. 

We went to the store and grabbed some ramen for lunch, then we did some grocery shopping for dinner. 

It was the first time I’ve spent Valentine’s Day with someone. We didn’t go out or anything. I just cooked dinner and made some desserts. I made steak that ended up being a bit too salty on the edges, but it was cooked like a perfect medium rare so that was good. Then I made roasted potatoes again. I had made some last week and Erwin really liked it so I made more. With carrots and some green onions too. Then I made like dark chocolate fudge squares with white chocolate on top, and chocolate covered strawberries using the same chocolate I made. Those turned out really well and really yummy. 

Omg then after dinner there was a load of laundry that finished and I was folding it in the laundry room while Erwin was washing dishes. Then after he was done he came into the laundry room and said something but I don’t remember what it was. Anyways it was like he was trying to remember something, so I was just folding laundry and I said something I also don’t remember. All I remember is that suddenly Erwin’s face was next to mine and he was like, “what was that?” Then I started to reply, but before I could he just deeply kissed me. Then said, “thank you for dinner!” And cute and smirky, and And I was a bit stunned but like in a good way and just said , “o-oh....” lol it was cute. 

Then afterwards we put on an episode of something I don’t even remember what it was. Then I was just like, leaning my head on his leg and said, “I want attentions.” So he spread his arms and legs so I could nestle on top of him and he wrapped me up and squished my face and ruffled my hair and I started kissing his chest and neck and then we started kissing and then he got hard. But not like normal hard, like, the extra big hard. Ehehe... I ended up laying on my back and he was on top of me and he barely had the patience to take my pants off. He wouldn’t have if it was possible lol. And we had already started by the time he got his shirt and jacket off. He didn’t have the patience for that either. My back was like halfway off the bed, so he had his arm around my waist with his hand on the back of my neck to hold me up as we were going at it, and I was holding onto the coffee table for support too. Ahh... it was good. I don’t know, it felt different though. But a good different. Like we were closer emotionally. At least it felt that way for me. 

We finished watching Re:Creators, it was really good. Then after I had to go to sleep cuz I had work the next day (today). So he laid down and made a space for me like he always does so I can rest my head on the soft spot where his chest touches his bicep. I faced away from him so I wasn’t looking at the tv as he watched more, cuddled his arm, and locked my fingers with his. He kept rustling my hair and kissing my head too which was really sweet and another thing that makes me feel like we’re closer emotionally. 

He didn’t sleep for a while though. He said he felt restless and didn’t get to sleep till around 4. He had switched positions in the middle of the night so his head was where my feet were, but he cuddled my legs. His legs were still against my back too so that was nice. He did this thing that I thought was really sweet too, though. Even though he was laying the opposite way, he reached a hand down to my stomach. It just felt like he was still trying to hold me, and I held his hand. I love him. 

It’s been basically been 5 months since we started seeing each other regularly. We started talking again the end of September, the I moved and started seeing him again in October, November, December, January, and it’s almost the end of February. I was planning on asking him again when it gets to 6 months. Because by that time he should be able to tell me if he wants to keep me around or not. I’m just scared. But we’ll see how it goes. 

Goodnight. 

 

Ps: oh! I forgot to tell you. Erwin shaved his beard and got a haircut. Lol I kinda squee’d when he shaved his beard. I like how it feels to kiss him. I feel his lips more. But I miss squishing his beard too. I’ve also noticed he’s gotten a bit chubbier. That might be my fault though. Ehehe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you’re enjoying this. Because I’ve gotten no feedback whatsoever so I don’t really know if I should keep this going.


	8. Curry and Chinese New Year

2/18/18 Sunday

Boop. I was off work this weekend. So my Saturday was just lounging around and getting food and sleeping until I had to leave for Erwin’s improv show. 

I left around 8:20, got gas and a couple teas then drove over. I got there like right at 9 when the doors open, but I didn’t get out of the car until like 9:10 because I’m lame and get nervous about walking into places? Idk it’s weird. Anyways I walked in and paid, then Erwin’s mom was sitting in the front row, so I sat one chair away from her and talked with her for a little bit. Erwin came in and said hi and hugged me. Then Erwin’s dad came in and talked to his mom for a little bit before going and sitting in a different spot. Apparently a vacuum was delivered to their house, but no one knows why. It’s all this big mystery. Lol

The show was good. Erwin’s team didn’t win, but they did pretty good. 

Then after the show I talked to Levi for a bit while we were waiting for Erwin to come out. We talked for a bit longer and decided to meet back at his place then go grab foods. Which we did, and got Del Taco. 

Then they wanted to play a board game and I didn’t want to play anything too long, so we played Sushi Go Party. It’s really cute. Then we played Drawful. That was fun. After a couple games Levi left and we went to bed. 

Erwin just put up some YouTube videos and we fell asleep. 

This morning I woke up to Erwin’s “it’s 9’o-clock AM” alarm that he never gets up to. Lol and he slept a couple more hours until 11. I dozed on and off and played on my phone and cuddled Erwin. It got hot around 10:30 so I took my shirt off so we were both just snuggling in our underwear. 

He finally woke up, but was still cuddling me so I started nibbling his ear and neck and moaning a little. Then he was like, “what are you doing?” And I said, “I’m trying to seduce you.” I had pushed the blanket off me and was laying on my belly cuz I know he likes my butt. And it worked. Hehe. He did me from behind today and after he just stayed there and laid on my back for a little bit. But because of that the blanked got a little messy again and he just washed it. Oops. 

Then I went and got ready. The plan was we were gonna go to lunch with my close friend, Ymir. She was my best friend a few years back. I still call her my best friend, but our views on things are a bit different now. And it’s hard to see her since I live far, too. I was really excited, but she canceled on me because her family decided to do something for her dad’s birthday last minute and didn’t tell her about it. But Erwin had bought me curry last Sunday, so I told him I’d buy him curry this week. And I just paid off a credit card and got my tax return so I was ok to splurge a little bit. 

We got there though and it was Chinese New Year and there were these guys all playing drums and there was one of those dragon costume things and they were going around to every shop and dancing in or in front of it to bring good luck. 

It was also warm enough to wear a dress today, so I felt cute. :3 

After lunch we went back and played a little bit of magic with the decks I built with the cards I have. The first game I lost, and the second was close, but I won. 

Erwin had work at 4 so we just watched more YouTube videos until we had to leave. 

Oh and I have to remember to get some rat traps from work. I saw it last night. It tried to scurry out from the kitchen into the dining room, but I made a noise and scared it back out. 

Ehhhh... then I got back and fell asleep around 5. I don’t know why I was so tired. I woke up at 6:45 ish. And then I started journaling. 

I’m gonna go eat my leftover curry now. Bye!


	9. Up and Down Down and Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need a shower.

2/22/18 Thursday 

Hai. Ahhh I’m so full. I just did groceries and ate a third of a big sandwich and some potato soup. Now I’m in bed snuggled with an electric blanket and my valentine panda. :3 I feel good. Ahhh... except my roommate keeps yelling on the phone and it’s getting annoying. 

Anyways. on Monday I was texting Erwin while I was at work and I was feeling a bit depressed because my sister was being a brat. Basically she got offended because I said Erwin is better at puns than she is. Lol which is dumb, but she used to pride herself at how good she is at puns but she’s not as good at them anymore. Anyways. She got offended, and then snapped at me when I was like, “calm down, geez” and she basically was like, “I’m tired of you bringing Erwin up all the time. You won’t stop raving about him, but he can’t even promise that he’ll stay faithful to you.” And then I got annoyed and depressed because yeah, I know all of that. I know that he still hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, and still hasn’t promised to stay exclusive with just me. Even though he doesn’t see other women, obviously I want a real relationship and I want that security. I’ve been too afraid to ask again because last time his response was “you ask for something so simple, and something you damn well deserve. But that puts a lot of pressure on me.” And he couldn’t. And I’m so scared that I’m just gonna keep getting the same answer. 

Ugh I can’t think about that I’m crying again. 

Anyways. That’s why I was depressed. So when Erwin texted me I asked him if he wanted to get crepes or go jacuzzi. I said, “I just want to be relaxed and not stressed or sad.” 

So I went home, packed stuff, then went to Erwin’s house, then we went to his dad’s house. Erwin hadn’t eaten all day, though, so Erwin, his dad and I all went to dinner. We went to this ramen place called Ramain39. It was amazing. Everything was amazing. Definitely one of the top places for ramen. 

At one point during the night I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were talking about dating so I feel like they were talking about me while I was gone. Like his dad asked something about me or something. 

After dinner we went back and went to the jacuzzi. It was extra cold that night for some reason, but the jacuzzi was still nice. 

We went back to Erwin’s house, and I don’t know if we did anything else in particular. I do remember snuggling into bed and Erwin put on Red Line. It’s an anime movie with really cool art. Ymir had told me about it before and we had watched a little bit of it together, but I watched the whole thing with Erwin. 

Tuesday, I woke up cuz the sun was shining on my face. But it made a cool picture. The sun was shining through the window and my hair and everything else was blurry because I didn’t have my glasses on. 

Erwin had to take his mom to an appointment so while he was gone I drew these cute marshmallow comics. The other day Erwin asked me why he couldn’t just eat ice cream and beer for dinner. So I said, 

“No it's alcohol and sugar. You're just gonna get chubby and be sleepy all the time. Which is fine, cuz I like marshmallows. But I don't think you want to become one.” 

Then he said “I’m innnn”

And I was like, “Fiiiine. Then we can just both be marshmallows and squish together and sleep all day.”

So from that I wanted to draw it, and I did. It was so cute. So I’ve been drawing them and I’m hoping they get popular. 

I also did a load of laundry while they were gone. They came back while I was folding the laundry and then like 15 minutes later Erwin was like, “did I tell you Levi is coming over?” Lol. I had like, no idea. My hair was in a ponytail and I hadn’t showered and I was just in one of Erwin’s sweaters and booty shorts. Lol. I was just like, “well I was gonna shower after folding this.” 

Levi got there a few minutes later and then he and Levi came into the room while I was still on the bed in the sweater, booty shorts, and bony tail with no make up while folding laundry. It was a little weird. I feel like there was a nice, homely feeling... like, this is what Erwin sees me like, and yes I do his laundry sometimes. But then I also didn’t like that it felt like he was seeing such a domestic side of me and us, I guess. 

And then they started discussing what we were gonna do, and Erwin said, “well, were you gonna take a shower?” And I said yes. So they decided to play something while I was getting ready. 

Um... then I don’t remember what we did... oh! I remember. We played Age of Empires the board game (oh, I won), then we went to the magic draft. Still haven’t won a round yet. Erwin won all three of his rounds though and got to put a sticker on the wall but I smeared it on accident like serial killer style. 

Then Levi went home, and me and Erwin got some Del Taco. 

Then we went to bed and We were snuggling for a bit. We couldn’t find the remotes so we hadn’t put anything on the tv, but because of that I started thinking, and I got sad again about our whole non-relationship thing. And Erwin asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t answer. Just cried a bit. I asked Erwin if he was ok, and what he was thinking about he just said, “like 10 different things.” But that’s how he is. His mind is always on overdrive and he constantly is thinking about things. That’s why he gets so anxious and stressed easily and why he has to sleep with the tv on. 

Anyways, eventually I asked him, “do you like having me around?” And he was cute and said “of course” and some other nerdy stuff like, “if I didn’t have you around then who will I practice magic with.” And he asked me why, and I said the same thing as before, "I just get scared and insecure.” 

I want to ask him again for a commitment, but I’m just so scared the answer is gonna be the same. It’ll be 6 months the end of March. So maybe on my birthday I’ll ask him. If I can get enough courage. 

I snuggled with him a bit and I felt better. I found the remote, but Erwin ended up falling asleep without the tv on, so that’s good. And I fell asleep shortly after. 

Then Wednesday we woke up, but Erwin’s back was hurting a lot so he wasn’t getting out of bed. I massaged him, but I don’t think it helped. Then I started squishing him and nibbling him and then I gave him a blowjob. We lounged around for a bit longer until he had to leave with his mom for another appointment. 

While they were gone I went and got some pizza for lunch, and then did some groceries to make chicken pot pie. 

I got back then Erwin got back, and we played a couple rounds of magic arena on the computer. 

Afterwards, we got started on dinner. I had Erwin knead the dough, which was a good idea because I’m pretty sure he had fun doing it. And he was super proud of how his dough turned out. He went and showed his mom, and kept saying it tasted amazing even though I forgot to put salt in it so it was kinda bland. But I didn’t tell him that. He thought the dough was perfect, and I’m totally ok with that. 

Lol he definitely overate though and kept saying how full he was after. Then he asked me if I wanted to jacuzzi again and I said sure, but we had to do the dishes first. So we did, then went to his dad’s place again. 

There were four other people in the jacuzzi this time though which was weird because we never see people except once. 

Erwin’s dad was watching a horror movie when we were done in the jacuzzi and we kinda got sucked into it. But it made me nervous the way back. I’m ok now, though which is good. 

We got back home and snuggled into bed, but then I was horny and then I got him horny and I got on top of him and it was great. I feel like he came pretty hard that time. Afterwards when he was overly sensitive, every move I made was like too much for him and that was cute. He could barely handle just me getting off of him. 

When we finally got snuggled for bed, Erwin was watching something and I was facing away from the tv which means my back was against his since I had to try to sleep cuz work. 

I didn’t think he’d turn around and cuddle me since he was watching. I just said goodnight. But when I did, he turned around and puckered his lips, asking for a kiss. It was super cute and I didn’t expect it. 

Recently he’s been more affectionate and touchy in general. He’ll slap my butt in passing or squish my boob or hug me from behind occasionally. He likes to rub his stubbles on my face, and lick it. Bleh. All things that guys tend to do, but Erwin didn’t do stuff like that for a long time. I think it’s because he’s a lot more comfortable maybe. I’ll take it as a good sign. Lol. And I always make sure to kiss him goodbye in the mornings I have to leave for work. I hate leaving him, but it’s one of my favorite things when I nudge him to tell him I’m leaving and he puckers his lips for a goodbye kiss. 

Andy says so he rolled over and asked me for a kiss so of course I did. And then he laid on his back and I laid beside him, but not holding him. Then he was like, “cuddle me...” which was also super cute, so of course I did. And eventually I fell asleep. 

Then today I worked, did some groceries, and prepped some foods. I texted Erwin for a bit but he’s asleep now. So I should finish up here and try to get some sleep for tomorrow. Talk to you soon. Goodnight.


	10. Brooding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just random thoughts

2/24/18 Saturday 

Haven’t seen Erwin since Wednesday. But he’s been keeping up texting me a little more so that’s nice. Especially since I’m avoiding texting my sister still. And I usually text or call her when I’m lonely. 

I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to see him this week or not, though. I know his sister is supposed to come down from San Francisco sometime. But I’m not sure when. I think from what I heard, it’s on a Monday-Wednesday which is when I normally go over. So I’m not sure what’s gonna happen when she comes. I have met her though a couple times, but both times it wasn’t very long. The first time I think I was heading out, cuz Erwin was going to work, and the second time we just dropped her off at the airport. And if she is staying I wouldn’t want to feel like I’m intruding on their family time. 

Lol for some reason I was reminded of one morning Erwin went upstairs to talk to his mom and when he came back, he was like, “my mom asked me if you were here.” And he told her yeah I was, and she said something like, “oh, I just usually hear her giggling in the morning”. Ehehe

Eh I got nothing more tonight. If I remember other random stories, I’ll let you know. Well, goodnight for now.


	11. Down-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many emotions. I’ve never been on this many rollercoasters even when I liked them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps *I think the sexy times in this chapter are a little more vivid*

Thursday, March 1

Ughhh... I feel like a lot has happened this week. I feel so emotionally drained I guess. I feel like there’s this constant anxiety in my chest. It’s not overwhelming but it’s just constantly there. I’ll tell you why in a bit. 

On Monday I went over to Erwin’s early, so we went and got burritos for lunch. On the way though he said he was feeling stressed out because he had so much stuff he hasn’t done that he needs to do. I just tried to help him relax, and I told him I’ll help him out this week. But I ended up feeling useless and I ended up doing the opposite this week. ( I’ll get to that ) 

Anyways, On the way back home, some salsa spilled on my pants so I had to wash them. But while they were in the dryer we went to his dad’s to use the jacuzzi. Then we got some Panda Express for dinner. 

We went back to his house and we ended up watching Thor. I really want him to watch the Captain America movies because he hasn’t seen any of them. And Winter Soldier is like my favorite marvel movie.

But he woke up in the middle of the night because he had a bad dream. The tv had ended up turning off, and the light in the hallway was on, and he said that contributed to his dream. And the situation in his dream was very similar to what it was when he woke up. But we both got back to sleep. Apparently he woke up again though, but I didn’t wake up which he says is unusual since I’m a light sleeper and everything wakes me up. And he says I wasn’t snoring which I guess is also unusual for me. I’m happy that he doesn’t mind that I snore. It’s weird though because I didn’t used to. Well, if I did it was more like just heavy breathing. But I guess I snore snore now. 

On Tuesday we went out for ramen for lunch before doing grocery shopping. But the ramen place we went to like lost our order or something and we ended up waiting for at least 50 minutes without getting anything so we left and went to Tokyo Central. It’s this Japanese market and they also sell food and have a little cafeteria area. I got ramen because I had wanted ramen and they have some good ramen there. Erwin got a sushi bowl, a sandwich and instant ramen. He ended up only eating the sushi bowl and I shared my ramen bowl with him. 

This sprout thing came on his sushi bowl and he gave it to me, and I was like, “no ones ever given me a plant before!” He seemed surprised about that but was just like, “what? no ones ever given you a two leaf clover before?” I took a picture of it with him in the background, and I showed him and he was like, “that’s actually a really good picture.” :) 

Then we got a couple things from there, then went to Stater Bros to get the rest of the groceries. So we got all the stuff and I grabbed some tampons because I was expecting to start my period that day because last month I started on Tuesday. It’s normally been Wednesday though so I think last month’s just came a day early I guess. But I started to stress out really bad because my stomach had been feeling queasy recently and I had taken a couple of my birth control pills late. Which is fine. I looked up everything and everything says it’s fine as long as it’s not the first week of the pack and as long as you take it as soon as you remember and you haven’t missed more that 48 hours I think. So I was fine, but I was stressing out about it. 

So we went back and played a board game with Levi, but I was just stressed and not feeling well so just couldn’t enjoy it that much. 

We played Lisboa. I feel like I’d like it, but I just was so stressed I couldn’t. And we didn’t get to finish it because Levi started a new job and had to leave by 9. 

So then I cooked some curry and chicken karaage and Levi just grabbed some food. And after we ate, and hung out for a little, he left. 

We did the dishes and were cleaning up I think when Erwin’s mom came in and asked him to clean up where we’d played the board game. And he got irritated with her because we’d just gone out and done her errands and cooked her dinner, and we were cleaning up. 

After we were done, we ended up going back to his room. But then we both needed to pee at the same time, and since we were both in the bathroom we just decided to take a shower. And I started kissing him, and he was kissing me and then it turned me on a bit. Oh! And while we were showering somehow we ended up slow dancing? I don’t care how it happened, but it did, and I loved it. 

Then after we showered and because I was still stressed I decided to drink a little bit, and that did help me relax. And Erwin drank a little too. And I was just in a towel and then I kissed him a bit, but when I stopped he like wanted me to come back and lay on his chest. Then somehow his dick ended up between my boobs while I was blowing him. Lol I’m not sure if I got better or if it was just cuz he was buzzed but be said it was intense. He says I keep getting better though. X3 Ehehe... Then we both relaxed for a little, I was still horny though. I was gonna be ok if he just helped me out by fingering me, but he ended up getting on top of me. We came at the same time, but after that he was exhausted and just kinda fell over and couldn’t move for a while. XP Lolol 

Then I think we just fell asleep watching YouTube videos. 

Wednesday started out badly, but then it got better. But it is where all of my anxiety and stress is coming from. 

So Wednesday was February 28th. Which meant it’s the day that Erwin can book a hotel for anime expo. Now, Cierra isn’t going this year which means I don’t have anyone to go with this year besides Erwin, and I do not want to go by myself. And stay somewhere fucking by myself. So in my mind, I’m sure it’s not gonna be a big deal for me to stay in Erwin’s room. Obviously i’d pay my portion, and I was in their room the last night of AX last year. 

So he books the hotel room, and we make breakfast. I’m kind of nervous about asking him about it because I have the feeling he isn’t including me in his room plans. So after breakfast I ask him if I can stay in his room, or if I should try to find other arrangements. But I already know I don’t really have any other options. But his response is, “I think for now you should try to find other options.” And I think he says that he just wants to try to make things as simple as possible this year. But honestly I don’t understand how I’d be making things less simple I guess. All I try to do is help him out. Like, if I’m there, I can make things simpler by helping him out. Idk. It just hurts that it feels like he doesn’t want me around and that also makes me nervous. Like, why doesn’t he want me around? And my mind jumps to the obvious worst conclusion. 

It’s obvious that I’m upset about it because that’s not the answer I wanted to hear. And I’m just like, well I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. And he gets up and walks away and sits on the couch in the sun. So I just sit there for a bit and cry to myself because now I’m depressed and stressed. My period started, though so at least I know I’m not pregnant. 

Then I go back to bed and just kinda cry my eyes out for an hour or so. He comes in the room once to grab something, but doesn’t really look at me. A little bit later I wander out of the room when my eyes look somewhat normal. 

We talk for a little bit about nothing really. He asks me what’s wrong and I tell him I’m sad and stressed. He says he is too. He says let’s go to back to bed. So we do. 

But for some reason I have to bring it up again and I end up saying, “I just don’t know what to do. And I can’t even get a refund (for my AX ticket) if I wanted to.” I know immediately I’ve made a mistake, because he kind of freezes and just looks away. I ask him if he’s ok, but he won’t respond to me. After a little bit he lays down and I hold him and ask if he’s ok. He replies with a mumbled, “mhm”. And I know he’s not. 

I ask him if what I said stressed him out more. He says yes, and I apologize. He says it’s fine, but now I feel awful. Because I’ve said before that I want to be the person he relies on. I want to be the person that when he’s with me his anxiety lessens or goes away. I don’t want to be a cause of it. Which is exactly what I did. 

I can’t stop myself from crying so I bundle up in the blanket and sit back against the wall. But when I move he moves over to lean against me. I’m crying more now, but he grabs my hand and holds it against his chest. 

I don’t know when, but I stop crying and he falls asleep and I sleep with him. We nap for maybe an hour. 

When we wake up, we munch on a sandwich. I think he suggests we go see Black Panther. But at the moment I’m not feeling like it. 

Then Erwin’s dad calls him and apparently his truck is falling apart, so he has to take it into the shop. So we go, pick him up from the shop, and we get Erwin’s old car up and running again so his dad can borrow it. 

I think we lounge around for a bit more, our moods have improved a bit and we start joking around. He was like, flexing his dick muscle and it was weirdly fascinating. So naturally I started playing with it and ended up blowing him. 

Then I got hungry, but when we were about to leave Erwin’s dad called to tell him a couple things about the car he borrowed and we ended up deciding to have dinner with him. But he wasn’t going to be there for another half hour so we decided to go and walk around while we waited. Erwin pointed out this piece of modern art. I somewhat jokingly said we should take a picture by it. But he said yes and I finally got our first picture together. 

Lol he says he looks bad because he hadn’t shaved in a few days, and I think I look bad because I didn’t have any makeup on, and I have extra chin when I smile with my teeth. But I still love it. Because I only smile like that when I’m really happy. 

I can’t remember when, but I think I mentioned going to watch Black Panther if he still wanted to. But he said he wasn’t sure cuz it was getting late. He said he was mostly indifferent about watching it. He had asked earlier just cuz he wants to see a movie with me. I’m sure I awww’ed. 

Then we walked around a bit more and walked over to the ToysR Us next to the Red Robbin where we were gonna meet his dad. We wandered around the store, looked at the nerf guns and scooters. And he got this random thing that was like 58 cents. 

Then we met up with his dad and we ate foods and it was good. I had a good time for sure. But while we were finishing up, Erwin looked up the movie and there was another showing in half an hour, so we decided to catch it since tickets were only $6 that day.

The movie was good. Not amazing, but still pretty good and I enjoyed it a lot. Erwin held my hand through almost the whole movie. 

Lol that just reminded me of one night we fell asleep cuddling and holding hands. But I ended up waking up and although I didn’t want to, I had to pry my hand out of his because my wrist started to hurt. Lol I mentioned last time that he’s been more affectionate. And I think he definitely is. He’ll hold my hand in the car now. He’ll just kiss me or my cheek randomly. And he tells me a lot that I’m cute. 

Then we got some Thai iced tea on the way back and went home. 

So Wednesday started badly, but it ended up a really good day. I’m feeling better now, actually writing about it. And I was texting Erwin a bit ago and he helped me feel better too. I think he fell asleep though. Lol. It is 2am now. So I’d better try to get to sleep now. Goodnight! :)


	12. How Do You Live with Anxiety?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, how?

Sunday, 3/4/18 

Hey hey! Ahh it feels late but it’s not even 10 pm yet. 

Yesterday I had a lot of anxiety. But it’s all gone today. So that’s good. :) I don’t know how Erwin lives with so much anxiety. At least for me it’s typically short lived. He told me today that he wishes he could listen to music while he drove by himself. He can’t because music isn’t distracting enough to keep his anxiety under control. He has to listen to a video or something that’s giving him new information. At least when I’m with him we can just drive with music and I’m enough distraction. 

But before I get to that let’s start on Friday. So Friday I went to work. And idk what is up with Annie but she’s been kind of bitchy to me recently. I mentioned what happened a few weeks ago. But on Friday, a customer called in, and said she just missed a call for us, and that we left her a message while she was on the phone with me. So obviously, whoever called her probably had the customers invoice still in their hand. So I asked Sasha and Annie if either of them had her invoice and Annie said, “You can get up and look for it yourself.” I was so annoyed, but I just said that we had just called her. Then Sasha found it right away and handed it to me. At first I thought it was Sasha’s. But then on Saturday it was just Sasha and I working and I mentioned what had happened, and she told me that Annie was the one who called the customer. So Annie literally had it IN HER HANDS when I asked and she said to get up and find it yourself when she was fucking HOLDING IT. Like, what a bitch, right? I don’t understand at all. I didn’t want to say anything to her or argue just because I hate having tension in the workplace. But I don’t get why she’s been a bitch to me recently. 

Anyways aside from work stuff. Saturday night I was texting Erwin a bit. And I had still been feeling guilty I guess for stressing him out on Wednesday. But I was texting him while he was at work and it was fine. But then after he got off work he didn’t text me for a while so I started having a lot of anxiety from that. Then he texted me a couple hours later telling me he was at a bar with some improv people. And that didn’t help at all. Because you know that I always get anxious when he goes out to social settings like that. He texted me again when he was leaving, but then I didn’t hear from him again after that. So I was just feeling super anxious and depressed. 

But I woke up to a good morning text from him which was sweet. But I was still feeling a little down. We started talking about food. And I wasn’t gonna ask, but I ended up asking if he wanted to get lunch together. He said yes so I went over. 

We went to Hole Molé today and he told me what happened last night. He got off work early so he went to the improv show. So that explains why he didn’t text me for a bit cuz he was watching the show. Then he just got invited to go to a bar with some of the improv people. And he said he felt bad because this one lady from there -who is married and a mother- asked him about Magic the Gathering. And he can talk for hours about Magic, and of course he dumped a ton of information on her, but she was pretty into the conversation. But he said he feels bad because he’s not sure if she was just in mother mode and just humoring him like she would to her kids. Lol and he said her husband bought him a drink. Ah I should know by now that that’s just the kind of guy Erwin is. While I’m worried about pretty girls hitting on him and him sleeping with other girls, he’s the type that will hang out with a married couple and talk for a long time about nerdy games. 

That reminds me of the time he went to Vegas for the weekend and I was super anxious, but he still brought board games just in case. Which is just so wholesome I can’t deal with it. 

So lunch was good and then we went to a boba place and he bought tea for himself and for me too. 

Then we went back to his place, cuddled a little, and played a couple rounds of Mario Kart before he had to go to work. 

He hasn’t texted me tonight, but obviously he was at work and sometimes he’s not able to text me. And his sister got in to town while he was at work so he’s probably just hanging out with his family right now. 

So I won’t be going over this week and I’m probably gonna go to my Parental’s house on my days off this week. 

Well that’s all I’ve got for today. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye!


	13. Here’s Hoping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin meets my siblings!

3/8/18 Thursday 

Heya. This week was good. 

So I didn’t plan to go to Erwin’s house this week because his sister was in town. 

On Monday, Erwin went to Disneyland and I was at work. I did text him good morning though and his sister, Keli, said I was nice. So that made me happy. 

Then Monday evening I went to my parentals. Mikasa and Eren were at church so I played Mario Kart with Mum and Dad until they got home. Dad didn’t know how to turn left for a while so I kept winning, but once he figured out how to turn left I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. Lol 

My birthday is on the 26th, but I’m not sure if I’m gonna see my family that week. So Eren and Mikasa got me the first manga of Overlord and a Spider-Gwen funko pop. I’m not super fond of funko pops, but I’m not gonna complain. Mikasa apologized for what she had said a couple weeks ago. So things are better with us now and that’s good. 

Then on Tuesday, Eren, Mikasa, and I planned to go get lunch after Eren got off work, then watch a movie. But Mum decided to go with us too, and it was nice because she paid for everything. 

So we got chick-fil-a for Eren then chipotle for me and Mikasa. Mmm... 

Then we went to the movies and I finally got to watch The Greatest Showman. Apparently my mom and sister have seen it three times now. Haha! It was good. 

And that night Mikasa and I slept downstairs and we watched Bee and Puppycat. She liked it too and I told her about all my theories about it. Lol. 

Then on Wednesday I did my laundry and Mikasa had a study hall at The coffee shop Eren works at. So I decided I was gonna hang out with them, and I asked Erwin if he wanted to come and hang out. I felt bad though because it took him like an hour and a half to drive there even using the toll roads. And then when he got there he wasn’t feeling well. He said he had just felt tired when he left, but he must have overworked his body when they went to Disneyland. He was feverish and nauseated. 

But he met my brother and sister so that’s cool. Erwin was quieter than usual though since he wasn’t feeling very well. And we weren’t there for very long. We played on his switch for a little bit and Eren made him a latte. 

Then we went to go get Thai food at my favorite Thai place. I felt so bad though because he looked miserable. I told him I felt bad that he drove all the way out, but he said it was fine. And that I don’t ask him for very much so he wanted to come. He just didn’t realize he was actually sick when he left. But I gave him a few Excedrin and he ate and he looked a lot better after that.

Then we went to Dos Lagos. It’s this mall shopping center that has these two small man made lakes with a covered walkway through them and a small waterfall. While we were walking over I held out my hand, but I don’t think i was necessarily telling him I wanted to hold his, but he held my hand without hesitating. So I didn’t complain. It’s basically one of my favorite places so I’m glad I got to bring him there. There was only one other couple there so it was pretty quiet that night which was nice. We didn’t stay too long, and he started to feel worse again when we drove back to the coffee shop where his car was parked. We hung out for a little bit longer, and he asked me if I wanted to go over that night. Well, he asked if it made sense for me to go over and I told him it is a little bit shorter of a drive for me to go to his house than to my house. I had planned to grab my stuff from my parentals then go back to my house that night. But of course I said yes. 

So I grabbed my stuff from my parentals, said bye to everyone and went to Erwin’s house. We watched the new One Piece movie, cuddled for a little bit, but my body was like, “I am ready”. And so was his, so we had a quickie since it didn’t take very long this time hehe. And afterwards he kinda peppered my face, shoulder, and back with kisses and it was cute. And one on my butt. Lol. Then I turned around and he was just so freaking adorable and he just had this big perfect smile and I couldn’t get over how much I love him. 

And he asked me what my siblings thought about him but I hadn’t been able to ask them yet. But there wasn’t really a lot of time for them to get to know each other at all. 

Either way, I’m glad he’s met my siblings. I feel like a real relationship isn’t impossible. Ahh I just want us to be real. 

Anyways I’m back home now Erwin said he’s still feeling sick. I hope he feels better soon. Well, I gotta work tomorrow again. Bye for now!


	14. Birthday Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exciting things to come! And lots of food details in this one. Did anyone else celebrate Steak and BJ day?

Thursday, March 15

Ahhh so a lot happened this week, but it was good! 

So on Sunday I napped for a long time, then went over to Erwin’s house and we went to Huntington Beach to get donuts at the Donuttery. 

Then I don’t remember what we did. I think we were just chilling in bed and cuddling. And I like shmushed my face into his stomach and I guess me trying to breathe felt weird to him so he like turned around and fell asleep. Lol I didnt sleep very well that night since I had napped so much during the day, but it was fine. 

Then I went to work on Monday, but I made sure I got there early so I could leave early to hang out with Erwin. So I got off work around 12:30 and went over to his house around 1 and we got lunch.... I don’t remember what we had for lunch but then we went to AAA and Erwin paid his car registration. Afterwards we went to his dads house to jacuzzi. 

But then, Erwin’s aunt and uncle were in town and his dad was going to dinner with them, so we went to a ThaI food place and ate with them and another couple. I think Erwin’s ain’t and the other lady were coworkers. So I got to meet his aunt and uncle so that was cool! And we got some mango sticky rice. Erwin had talked about it last week when we got thaI food. But I wasn’t super impressed with it to be honest. 

And while we were at dinner, I’m not sure how it came up, but Erwin asked me if I had really planned anything for my birthday but I said no, and then he started thinking a lot. And then! He suggested we could maybe go on a road trip up to San Francisco since his improv show is Saturday the 24th, and he’s taking that day off. So he’s just gonna take Saturday and Sunday off and he has mon-wed off. and I took off Monday the 26th off for my birthday and I’m off tues-wed. So basically, if that was confusing, we can drive up on Sunday then stay through Wednesday at his sister’s place and drive back Wednesday night. He asked me if that is something I’d like to do since I’d mentioned I wanted to take a road trip sometime, and I was like, “heck yes!” Lol. So I’m super super excited. 

Then we went and dropped Erwin’s dad back off at his house then we went back home. 

We lounged around for a bit and I think I was trying to seduce him and get his attention for a while but he wasn’t really giving me much lol so I got a little depressed cuz I guess it makes me feel like I’m being rejected. And when I got quiet that’s when he was like, “what’s wrong?” And I was like, “nothing...” and then he said? “Why are you lying?” And then he started cuddling me and was like, “we had a good day today, right? We had fun.” And he got me to feel better and then he ended up seducing me. Lol then we went and took a shower and pretty sure we just went to sleep after that. 

Then on Tuesday we did a lot as well. We got up and chilled for a bit. Erwin texted his sister to make sure we can stay at their place in San Francisco. Then we finally got up and went to get tacos for lunch and then went to get his car smogged and went back to AAA and got his new car tags. Then we went to get groceries and meal planned for like the rest of the week. 

When we got home I made spaghetti for dinner. I sautéed garlic and onions and crumbled up some mild Italian sausage. Then used the spicy Bertolli marinara sauce. Added a little pasta water, salt, pepper, heavy cream, and Italian cheese. Then I made some garlic bread too and it was all pretty good! I forgot to add a little bit of sugar to the sauce though. It helps to take away the tanginess from the tomatoes.

Then we went to the draft and I still haven’t won a round. But I’m learning. 

That night I finally got to put on Captain America, but Erwin got really sleepy and wasn’t able to finish it but that was fine. 

Then on Wednesday, we woke up, lounged for a bit, had morning sexy times, then finally got up to cook some lunch. Erwin’s roommate was cooking too. I was slicing up some pork loin and he asked is we were cooking for steak and bj day too, and I was like, “aghhh I forgot!!” So we didn’t have steak but I did give Erwin a bj later that night. Lol 

So I made salt and pepper pork with roasted carrots and potatoes and I cooked some rice too. 

Then Mike came over to help Erwin with fixing the visor on his car. So we went to the hardware store to pick up the correct screw we needed and Mike fixed it. Then we just hung out and talked for a while. I don’t see him often, but Mike is cool. He’s Erwin’s longest friend I think. 

Then Mike had to go to school, and Erwin had like 30 minutes before he had to take his mom to physical therapy so we just snuggled for a bit. And Erwin had taken his shirt off and we were wrapped up in a blanket and his mom came in. We weren’t doing anything, but it looked like we may have been at first lol. And she was like, “oh sorry...” but I was like, “oh no, you’re good.” Then they left. While they were gone I played a bit of Magic Arena but had to get started on dinner.

We planned on shepherds pie so I started first on the potatoes. I boiled them and chopped up the carrots, onions, and garlic. Erwin got back right around when I was chopping the veggies and his mom was hungry and asked if there was leftover garlic bread and spaghetti. So after I finished chopping I made some garlic bread for her and she ate some spaghetti. 

Then Erwin cooked the veggies and the meat. He had gotten some seasoned ground turkey and that’s what we used. 

And I mashed the potatoes, added lots of butter and some milk, salt, pepper, cream cheese, and some garlic salt. And last, I cooked some buttered peas on the side because his mom doesn’t like peas. 

When we put it all together Erwin’s first bite he like stopped for a second and was like, “This. Is so. Good.” And he said that at least one more time while we were eating. I’m really glad he liked it. 

I asked him what his favorite thing was that I’ve cooked. He said everything I cook tastes good. But he really liked the Arroz Caldo. It’s the Asian-style risotto. It’s sautéed garlic, ginger, and onions. Then rice cooked in chicken broth then I add seasoned chicken and fried tofu and I make a vinegar sauce on the side that he really liked. So I said I’ll make that and some curry again next week. 

Then after dinner we had planned on getting crepes, but the crepe place that’s closer closed at 9, but the one in the Anaheim Packing House closed at 10 so we went there instead since he’s never been there either. 

So we went and ordered a crepe, and walked around. He passed by a Shabu place and he knew one of the guys that was working there because he used to work at a Shabu place Erwin and his dad go to a lot. So that was cool. We walked around and checked out the other places that were there and when our crepe was done, we sat in a corner and shared it. It was good and one of the thoughts I had was: I love everyday adventures with him. 

Then when we were leaving there were police outside and there was a car like up against another car, and at first I thought it had hit ours. But we were super lucky and it was on the car directly behind ours. 

Then we went home and took a nice hot shower. Afterwards, I blow dried my hair, and neither he or I had bothered to put clothes on and were just chilling on the bed in our towels and of course I had to give him a blowjob on steak and bj day. Hehe.

Then I packed up all my stuff and put on my clothes and packed some food for the next day then snuggled into bed with him. I was playing a game on my phone for a little bit to relax and Erwin was watching a video on his phone, but was also rubbing my head and playing with my hair. But it was cute while I was just playing on my phone, he was just like, “you’re really cute.” And I was like, “awww.” And he fell asleep rubbing my hair while watching his video. And I put something on the tv for me to fall asleep to. 

I had dozed off, but then woke up when Erwin woke up and turned his phone off and we adjusted to cuddle more. I said goodnight and he said goodnight, and I softly said “love you.” 

He did get up in the middle of the night, and it woke me up, and I was like, “are you ok?” And he just said, “I just need to go to the bathroom” and he kissed my cheek and I went back to sleep. 

And today I woke up, went to work, and it was fine. I did ask for Thursday the 29th off as well though so I don’t have to worry about getting to work early that day or not getting enough sleep and so we don’t have to stress too much about leaving at a certain time or anything on Wednesday. 

So that’s about it. I’m super excited, but I should try to get some sleep soon. I’ll ttyl. Goodnight!

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comments and questions. I appreciate feedback, although this is not meant to be a serious work of literature. I know there will by typos and inaccuracies, but this is literally just my life and what happens in it. It is not meant to have a definite story as I cannot see my future.


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